The Wilderness Isn't Punishment, Its Preparation!

Wounded in the House of the Lord!

“And you shall remember all the way that the Lord your God has let you spend these forty years in the wilderness, to humble you, to test you, to know what was in your heart.” Deuteronomy 8:2

Have you ever asked God, how much longer am I going to have to carry this? Asking God to please free me, Heal me God. I remember asking God: “Why in your house”? This is supposed to be my safest place. No one should get hurt in church. No child is supposed to be hurt at home. Parents are supposed to protect their children as established by God. “Start children off on the way they should go, and even when they are old they will not turn from it.” (Proverbs 22-6)

When the Wound Comes from the Pulpit, one of the most painful experiences a believer can face is being wounded by someone who ministers in the name of Jesus Christ.  We enter the church expecting love, encouragement, spiritual covering, and a place where our faith can grow. We believe that those who lead us spiritually will handle our hearts with prayer, wisdom, humility, and compassion. But what happens when the wound comes from the leader / minister we trusted to guide us? What happens when the wound came from home?

What happens when the words spoken from the pulpit are words of healing, but the words spoken privately leave us broken? What happens when a minister misunderstands us, humiliates us, rejects us, treats us unfairly, or hurts us repeatedly? Sometimes, the pain is difficult to explain because we feel we are not allowed to admit that we have been hurt by someone in ministry. We may fear being labeled rebellious, bitter, unforgiving, or spiritually immature. We may remain silent because we do not want to bring shame to the church or appear as though we are speaking against God's anointed. But let us remember something important: God sees the wound, even when nobody else acknowledges it. He invites us to bring our pain into His presence so that healing can begin. The bible commands believers to pray for people and governing authorities, noting this is pleasing to God, who wants everyone to be saved. I am sure that many reading this blog; might be asking: “How can I pray for a minister who hurt me”? Wicked, crooked, corrupt men and leaders? Really? The answer is YES. They are all God's people who deserve the same grace we did. “Woe to the shepherds who care only for themselves and rule harshly rather than protecting the vulnerable? ( Ezekiel 34:2-10)

When the hurt happens over and over again. There is a difference between being hurt once and experiencing the same kind of hurt repeatedly. Repeated wounds can leave us questioning our worth, our calling, our discernment, and even our place in the church. I know what it feels like to hurt and never say it to show up for everybody while quietly falling apart. I know what it feels like to pray over and over wondering if God heard you? I know what it feels like to support others, and not be supported. I know what It feels to believe in other ministers, and not having anyone believe in you. I know what it feels to be invited to preach; and having the Holy Spirit change the message. I know what it feels to not be invited again to preach because the Holy Spirit brought repentance, denouncing sin from the pulpit. I know what it feels to have ministers humiliate you, when you bring alignment and truth to others. To bring a message to the church of repentance and have the burden of not being heard. I know how the feeling of prophecies and revelation increased; and to stay silent to avoid confrontation. I know how it feels to be left out or disconnected from social circles in a church. Amos felt a profound sense of outrage when he witnessed the widening gap between the rich and the poor. Amos felt frustration towards the nation’s spiritual leaders. Amos carried a heavy emotional weight for the fate of the people. He felt an urgency to preach repentance over and over. I know what it is like to feel like Jeremiah “weeping” because of his deep sorrow and emotional grief over the spiritual decline and coming destruction of his people. I know the feeling of being misunderstood or using your words against you and behind you. I know the feeling of having  ministers divide your marriage, instead of lifting you both in prayer. I know the feeling of not having a minister believe in your spouse calling. Causing doubt and division between both. “They forgot that we are one." For those who did not believe in my spouse or in me; today I tell you: “If you don’t believe in my spouse you don't believe in me." I pray that God opens your spiritual eyes. I pray that God gives you discernment and revelation. “A married couple is no longer two, but one flesh, and what God joins together should not be separated by man.” ( Mathew 19:5-6) (Mark 10:8-9) Then the Lord God made a woman from the rib he had taken out of the man, then man said, this is now bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called “woman for she was taken out of the man” that is why a man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife, and they become one flesh. Adam and his wife were naked, and they felt no shame.”(Genesis 2:22-23) Let marriage be held in honor among all.

Read with your spirit. A good wife is to be a blessing to her husband all the days of her life. Our main goal as a woman is to be a blessing to everyone around us, particularly our husband. Pray for your husband. “What God brought together, don’t let Satan creep in and separate on the sly, because he will try, even through friends, parents, ministers or anyone used by the devil”. Never allow anyone to talk down on your spouse. Not a member of your church, not family or friends. Fight together the good fight! Pray together! You are one! “Do two walk together, unless they have agreed to meet? (Amos 3:3) Marriage in ministry is a sacred calling that requires dedication, respect, love, and mutual respect. Seeking biblical principles and seeking God’s guidance, we can navigate the challenges and joy of serving God together in the work of the Lord. Protect your first ministry and be ready to respond living with integrity, kindness, and readiness to support others. “For if I preach the Gospel, that gives me no reason to boast, for I feel compelled of necessity to do it. Woe is me if I do not preach the glad tidings! ( 1 Corinthians 9:16) “As for you, always be sober minded, endure suffering, do the work of an evangelist, fulfill your ministry.” (2 Timothy 4:5) “Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I set you apart; I appointed you as prophet to the nations.” (Jeremiah 1:5)

We may begin asking ourselves, Was it my fault? Did I do something wrong? Why does this keep happening? Does God see what I am going through? I knew I needed to be free desperately. I did not like the place that I was or the women that I have turn into bitter and anger. Each day, I pulled away further from my calling. I did not want to pursue my calling. I did not want to continue building instead; I walked away from all responsibilities. I wanted nothing to do with ministry because I felt dirty and not worthy. I was visiting and that only brought more disappointments to hear lukewarm messages and sugar-coated preaching. In my deep hurt I was still able to discern the conditions of each church I visited. Most messages did not help the state I was in. Too much water down messages. I needed to turn to Jesus and preach what most people was not preaching.

When the person hurting us is a spiritual leader, the pain can become even more complicated. We may confuse honoring spiritual authority with accepting mistreatment. We may believe that forgiving means we must remain silent, continue giving someone access to our lives, or pretend that everything is well. But forgiveness does not require us to call wrong behavior right.

Jesus taught us to forgive, but forgiveness does not mean abandoning wisdom, truth, accountability, or healthy boundaries. We can forgive someone and still recognize that their behavior was harmful. We can pray for a minister and still step away from an unhealthy relationship. We can honor God without giving another person permission to keep wounding us. Forgiveness is not weakness. Jesus Understands the Pain of Betrayal. Jesus Himself experienced betrayal, rejection, and injustice. He was betrayed by Judas, denied by Peter, rejected by many, and condemned despite His innocence. When we are wounded, we can come to Him honestly. We do not need to hide our tears, pretend to be strong, or rush through the process of healing. We can tell Him exactly what happened and how deeply it affected us. We can pray, “Lord, I am hurt. I do not understand why this happened. I want to forgive, but my heart is still in pain. Please help me.” Jesus free me! I need to get up! I need to be free! Jesus, I want to preach your gospel again. “Also, I heard the voice of the lord, saying Whom shall I send? And who will go for us? Then said I, here am I; send me." (Isaiah 6:8)

(Ephesians 4:31–32) teaches us to put away bitterness, anger, and malice, and to be kind and forgiving toward one another, just as God forgave us through Christ. Forgiveness may not happen emotionally in a single moment. Sometimes it is a decision we make today and reaffirm tomorrow when the memory returns. Sometimes we must pray through the hurt repeatedly as God heals the places that were deeply wounded.

But we do not have to remain prisoners of what someone did to us. We can release the desire to retaliate. We can stop rehearsing the offense as though we must carry the burden forever. We can entrust justice to God while taking appropriate steps to protect ourselves and seek accountability when necessary. And we can remember that forgiveness does not automatically restore trust. Reconciliation requires more than one person's willingness to forgive; it may require repentance, changed behavior, accountability, and time. We are not alone in our pain. Having had time to heal and many years to process a betrayal, God has shown me that he can use ministry betrayal as opportunities for forgiveness. 

The most difficult part about my betrayer was the fact that there was never an apology. It’s easy to think the worst of our betrayers instead of trying to see them as God sees them. Most leaders are unaware of the wounds they are infiltrating on others.  So many become so blind and focus on their own personal agendas that they lose sight of the person. Maybe the betrayal you’ve experienced has come from a ministry like mine. Perhaps, a partner, friend, spouse, or a child. Injustice of any kind hurts as much. I have been hurt and damaged by leaders at work, family and close friends. I can look back and remember the feeling of not being able to breath and feeling chest pain. In my previous blog; I testify to my childhood rejections from my own sisters. I also testify to the rejection in nursing as a new nurse. I do this, because Jesus Christ freed me. Yes, my scars are still notable and fresh. My scars do not define me. My failure doesn’t define me. This is not my home. “The world is not my home”. “I am just passing through”.  I am waiting for Jesus to return and to be part of his kingdom. 

You can forgive someone without returning to the same environment that wounded you. You can pray for someone without allowing them to continue hurting you. You can love people while maintaining boundaries. And you can continue serving Jesus even when someone in the church has disappointed you. Most important, do not imitate their evil behaviors or hypocrisy, instead  be imitators of Christ. “Walk in Love, just as Christ also loved you and gave himself up for us and make sure that your name is the book of life.” 

Do not allow the failures of a minister to become the measure of God's character. People may disappoint you, but Jesus remains worthy of your trust. I Choose Freedom. Perhaps you have been hurt by a pastor, leader, a church member, or someone you once considered a spiritual parent. Perhaps you have cried in private while continuing to worship in public. Perhaps you have questioned whether there is still a place for you in the house of God. This was not Jesus. You don't have to carry what Jesus already died for. You don't have to stay where grace came to pull you from. He freed me, and I believe he can free you too. Waiting for apologies that never came. Forgive, when I didn't feel like forgiving. Saying, “I’m okay; but tired. Jesus sees me! Jesus cares. Jesus will never hurt me like they did”. What they did doesn't own you. To anyone reading this blog; if my testimony can help you hold one more fight, Jesus can free you. Today, I want to remind you that your healing matters to God. You do not have to pretend that the wound did not happen. You do not have to rush your healing to prove that you are spiritual. You do not have to carry shame because someone in a position of spiritual leadership hurt you. It’s okay to wait even in the wilderness. The wilderness is not punishment, instead preparation, alignment and redirection. “Let no one deprive you of your crown”. “I am coming soon. Hold fast to what you have, so that no one will take your crown.” (Revelation 3:11) 👑

Ask Jesus to heal your heart, renew your mind, and teach you how to forgive without surrendering your wisdom or dignity. Allow Him to show you when to speak, when to establish boundaries, when to seek help, and when it is time to walk away. Do not let the wound become your identity. You are more than what someone did to you. Your calling is not defined by another person's treatment of you, and your relationship with Jesus does not have to end because a person disappointed you. Today, I choose forgiveness not because the hurt was insignificant, but because I refuse to let the hurt have the final word over my heart. I choose to forgive, to heal, and to move forward with God.

I may have been wounded in the house of God, but I will not allow that wound to steal my freedom in Christ. I can forgive without denying the truth, love without accepting mistreatment, and serve God without remaining bound to the people who hurt me. My heart belongs to Jesus. My healing belongs in his hands. And my freedom begins as I surrender the pain to Him.  Pray with me!

Let’s pray. 🙏

Heavenly Father, I come to you for healing and freedom. I desperately need you to heal my brokenhearted and bind up my wounds. Father, it hurts. As I write this blog; I admit, I am desperately asking for divine intervention. I ask forgiveness if I have hurt during my bitterness and anger. I understand that being hurt doesn’t disqualify my calling. I am asking to please have mercy on me and anyone who has been hurt. Anyone who has felt like walking away from their calling and responsibilities. It is very hard to walk feeling no purpose. In the name of Jesus Christ,  I declared healing. In the name of Jesus bring freedom to captives and comfort to the afflicted. Lord, I come to you with a wounded and exhausted heart. The sting of betrayal runs deep, and it hurts most because it came from those I trusted and loved. Today, I release these people and this heavy burden into your hands. In the name of Jesus, contend O Lord, with those who content with me, fight against me. Take hold of shield and bucker and rise up to help me. Take up shield and armor arise and come to my aid. May those who seek my life be disgraced and put to shame. May those who plot my ruin be turned back in dismay. How long Lord, will you look on? As David pray, so I pray to you today. Do not let those gloat over me who are my enemies without cause; do not let those who hate me without cause; Lord, you have seen this; do not be silent. Lord, freed me from doubt and shame. Open and unlock doors that have close. Let them be like chaff before the wind, and let the angel of the Lord chase them. Let their way be dark and slippery, and let the angel of the Lord pursue them. Use me for your glory. My forgiveness is not an endorsement of what happened; it is my decision to place my heart in God's hands and walk in the freedom Jesus Christ has given me.” I pray that they repent so that you can help them be restore. The Lord be exalted, who delights in the well being of his servant. My tongue will proclaim your righteousness, your praises all day long. In the name of Jesus, Amen and Amen.

Prayer 🙏

Heavenly Father,

I come before You in the name of Jesus Christ, bringing every wound, every disappointment, and every tear caused by those I trusted. Lord, you know the things that happened in private. You know the words that were spoken, the rejection that was experienced, and the pain that others may never fully understand. Nothing is hidden from Your sight. Father, heal every wounded heart. Heal those who have lost their joy in worship, those who are afraid to trust again, and those who have quietly questioned their place in your house. Retire the joy of  our salvation! 

Give us the grace to forgive, even when the pain is still real. Remove bitterness from our hearts, but do not allow us to confuse forgiveness with accepting continued mistreatment. Give us wisdom to establish healthy boundaries, courage to speak the truth with love, and discernment to recognize relationships that are no longer safe or healthy. Lord, help us not to become the very thing that wounded us. Keep our hearts tender without making us vulnerable to repeated harm. Teach us to walk in love without abandoning truth, and to pursue peace without sacrificing righteousness.

For every minister who has caused harm, we pray for genuine repentance, humility, accountability, and transformation. May those who lead your people remember that leadership is a sacred responsibility and that every person deserves to be treated with dignity and compassion. Father, restore those who have been discouraged. Remind them that they can still seek you, worship you, and grow in your word. Surround them with healthy, trustworthy people who will encourage their healing and spiritual growth. Jesus, be our healer, our refuge, and our peace. We surrender the pain to you, King Jesus trusting you to guide us toward freedom. In Jesus' mighty name, Amen. 

He Will Spare The Entire City For Their Sake!

 “Let no one be found among you who sacrifices their son daughter in the fire, who practices divination or sorcery, interprets omens, engages in witchcraft, or casts sells, or who is a medium or spirit who consults the dead. Anyone who does these things is detestable to the Lord; because of these same detestable practices the Lord your God will drive out those nations before you.” Deuteronomy 18: 10-12  

I remember growing up sitting between the curtains, waiting for my parents to come out. One day, curiosity got the best of me, and I decided to peek through the curtains. What I saw that day stayed with me. There was a woman sitting at a table. Something was wrapped around her head, and in front of her was a large, round glass vase filled with water. Across the table sat my parents. I remember watching as this woman invoked spirits, spoke about the future, and gave my parents a long list of things they needed to buy. At the time, I was only a child. I did not understand what I was witnessing, but the memory remained deeply rooted in my mind. My grandmother had practiced witchcraft and was associated with the spirit of divination. These were things that existed within my family long before I was old enough to understand their spiritual implications.

My father was a wealthy businessman, while my mother was a homemaker who devoted her time to caring for her children, cleaning the house, and managing the responsibilities of the home. Every Sunday, my parents attended Mass. They identified as “Catholics” and participated in the traditions of the church. Yet, despite the wealth my father possessed, our family was deeply dysfunctional. There were frequent arguments, and unfortunately, my father struggled with alcoholism. We may have had material possessions, but our family lacked the peace, healing, and wholeness we desperately needed.

My parents sent me to the Catholic Church, where I received my First Communion and participated in the other traditions and sacraments expected of us.  Yet, during those years, something else was happening in my life. My dreams began to increase in frequency and intensity. I was still so young. I did not understand why the things I saw in my dreams would later unfold in real life. I did not know how to make sense of these experiences, and I had no one who could help me understand them. I carried these questions with me as I grew older.

Looking back now, I believe God was preparing me for something greater than I could have imagined as a child. What I did not understand then became part of the testimony I would one day share.  I can honestly say that my journey with God has not been an easy one. In many ways, it has been one of the most difficult journeys I have ever walked. Being the first person in my family to come to Christ brought challenges I had never anticipated. Choosing to follow Jesus did not mean that every battle disappeared. Instead, I had to learn what it meant to stand firm in my faith when the people around me did not understand my decisions or the transformation taking place in my life. The mountain has been enormous. There have been moments when I have prayed and wondered when things would change. There have been seasons when I felt as though nothing was happening, when the road seemed long, and when the answers I was waiting for did not come as quickly as I hoped. “Silence does not mean abandonment, and waiting does not mean that God has forgotten me. ”Through every mountain, every setback, every unanswered question, and every season of waiting, one truth remains: God is my Redeemer. Job 19:25 declares, “For I know that my redeemer lives.” The same God who drew me to Himself when I was young is the God I continue to depend on today.

I once wondered why I experienced the things I did as a child. Today, I look back with a deeper desire to understand His Word, grow in spiritual discernment, and remain grounded in Jesus Christ. I want my experiences to lead me closer to Him, never away from the truth of His Word. Even as a young child, something deep inside me sensed that something was not right. I could not explain it, and I did not have the understanding or knowledge to put my feelings into words. Looking back now, I believe God was already drawing my attention to the spiritual realities around me.

I came to Jesus when I was around nineteen or twenty years old. But my journey to Him was not simply about religion. I came to Jesus because I needed healing. I needed restoration. I needed someone to help me rebuild what had been broken inside me. I had grown up carrying wounds, confusion, and questions that I could not answer on my own. I needed more than outward appearances, religious traditions, or material possessions. I needed the transforming power of Jesus Christ. I also began to understand the importance of His Word. The Bible speaks about witchcraft, divination, and the dangers of seeking spiritual guidance apart from God. Throughout Scripture, we see examples of people being warned against turning to forbidden spiritual practices instead of seeking the Lord.

God's Word gives us light when we are surrounded by confusion. It teaches us to discern what is right, to recognize spiritual deception, and to seek His wisdom rather than relying on every voice that claims to have answers about our future. We are living in a time when there is a great need for spiritual discernment, both inside and outside the church. Many people in this fallen world are fascinated by the paranormal. Many people do not understand the spiritual significance of the choices they make. When they are hurting, afraid, desperate, or searching for answers, they may turn to the wrong people or places for guidance. Some are drawn to practices that celebrate darkness without understanding the spiritual implications of what they are embracing. There's a thin line between curiosity and spiritual danger. It is time to turn to God.  This is why it is so important to keep Jesus Christ at the center of our lives. When we are in trouble, we must be careful about where we seek help. We need the wisdom of the Holy Spirit and the foundation of God's Word to guide our decisions. My desire is not to condemn people who are confused or searching for answers. I understand what it feels like to grow up surrounded by things you do not understand. I know what it is like to carry questions and wounds that you are too young to explain. My heart is to encourage people to seek the truth, find healing in Jesus, and allow the Word of God to illuminate their path.

When I look back at my childhood, I realize that although I did not understand everything I was seeing, something within me recognized that I needed more than what the world around me could offer. I thank God everyday for sending me to my mother in law. She knew I was called! She took the time to take me to church. She bought my first bible. She took my children to church; when I didn't. “She proclaimed God's word and seed to my children.” “As for me and my house we will serve the Lord”. In case you are wondering; I was 20 years old in a Pentecostal church. Yes, I was scared and confused. But, I learned to fight! I learned to pray and read my bible! I learned the true gospel! I learned the good news of Salvation through Jesus Christ. I learned sound doctrine that cannot be condemned, so that opponents may have nothing! Today, I do not accept any other gospel other than the finished work of Jesus Christ. I departed because I was too young; but not for a long time. The seed planted in you as a child is the word of God, and that same seed I planted on my four kids. The seed is alive, It is steadfast, and it bears the fruit of the Kingdom from generation to generation. Feeling lost can be a heavy and exhausting place, yet I found comfort, clarity and rescue in only Jesus Christ my redeemer my savior my healer.  “I drew them with cords of a man, with bands of Love and I was to them as one who lifts us and cases the yoke over the cheeks, and I bent down to them and gently laid food before them”. (Hosea 11:4). 

I believe God was calling me long before I knew how to answer Him. Before I understood His Word, before I knew how to discern the spiritual things around me, and before I fully understood my own brokenness, God was already drawing me toward Himself. I came to Jesus Christ because I needed Him. I came wounded, searching, and in need of restoration. God can meet us in the middle of our brokenness, bring light into the places where confusion once lived, and lead us into the truth of His presence. My story is a reminder that your beginning does not have to determine your ending. You may grow up surrounded by confusion, dysfunction, or spiritual darkness, but those things do not have to define the rest of your life. There is healing in Jesus. There is freedom in His truth. And there is hope for every person who turns to Him.

Today, I can look back and remember God’s grace. “Or what woman, having ten silver drachmas each one equal to a day's wages if she loses one coin, does not light a lamp and sweep the house and look carefully and diligently until she finds it? And when she finds it, she summons her women friends and neighbors, saying "rejoice with me, I have found the silver coin which I had lost.”. “There is rejoicing in the presence of angels of God over one sinner who repents”. ~Luke 15:10 🙌

Lets pray! 🙏

Heavenly Father, I come before You in the mighty name of Jesus Christ, giving You all the glory, honor, and praise. Lord, I thank You because You are the God who calls us out of darkness. You are the God who restores broken hearts, delivers those who are bound, and brings hope to those who have lost their way in Jesus name. I pray for every person reading these words. Holy Spirit, open their spiritual eyes. Remove the veil of confusion, ignorance, and deception that prevents them from recognizing Your truth. Give them a heart that desires You, a mind that seeks Your wisdom, and a spirit that longs for Your presence. Lord, for those who are searching for answers, show them that true peace is found in You. For those who are hurting, lead them to Your healing presence. For those who are afraid of the future, teach them to trust You. For those who have turned to the wrong places and people because of desperation, disappointment, or pain, gently draw them back to Yourself. Deliver us from every practice that leads us away from You. Give us the discernment to recognize what does not honor Your name. Help us to turn away from darkness, occult practices, divination, and every spiritual influence that draws our hearts away from Jesus Christ. Your Word declares in Ephesians 1:18 that the eyes of our understanding may be enlightened. Father, let that prayer become a reality in our lives. Open our eyes to Your truth. Give us wisdom to understand the times in which we live, and help us to remain rooted in Scripture rather than being carried away by every voice, teaching, or spiritual experience. Lord Jesus, be the center of our homes, our families, our decisions, and our lives. Where there has been brokenness, bring restoration. Where there has been confusion, bring clarity. Where there has been fear, bring Your peace. Where there have been generations of pain, begin a new chapter of healing, truth, and faith. Father, I especially pray for those who have grown up in dysfunctional homes, those who have witnessed things they could not understand, and those who carry wounds from their childhood. May they discover that their past does not have to define their future. Let them know that they are not beyond Your reach. Your grace is sufficient, Your mercy is abundant, and Your love is able to meet them in their deepest places of pain. Holy Spirit, lead us into all truth. Teach us to test what we hear against the Word of God. Give us the courage to reject what draws us away from Christ and the humility to follow You even when the journey is difficult. Father, raise up a generation that will not exchange Your truth for deception, Your presence for spiritual counterfeits, or Your light for darkness. Let our children know You. Let our families experience Your love. Let our churches become places where truth is taught, broken hearts are restored, and people are pointed toward Jesus Christ. Lord, when the mountain seems too great, remind us that You are our Redeemer. When we cannot see the way forward, be the lamp unto our feet. When we feel forgotten, remind us of Your unfailing love. Give us the grace to remain faithful, even in seasons when we cannot understand what You are doing. Today, we surrender our hearts to You. Search us, cleanse us, guide us, and transform us. Let our lives bring glory to Your name. For anyone who has never truly surrendered their life to Jesus, may this be the beginning of a new journey. May they turn to You with a sincere heart, receive Your forgiveness, and learn to walk in Your truth. Let them discover the freedom, peace, and restoration that come through a relationship with Jesus Christ. Jesus, You are the way, the truth, and the life. In the mighty name of Jesus Christ, we pray. Amen and Amen... Hallelujah

"The Wounds We Carry"

"LORD, you have seen this; do not be silent. Do not be far from me, Lord” (Psalm 35:22, NIV).

I was only thirteen years old. I can still remember the day my older sister said to me, “Get ready so that you can come with us.” My heart filled with excitement. I hurried into my room, put on my makeup, dressed up, and rushed into my older sister’s room with a big smile on my face. “I’m ready! Let’s go!” I said. But sadly, before I even realized what had happened, she was gone. They had left without me. I remember going to bed that night crying, still wearing my makeup. I was hurt. I was only thirteen, and I could not understand why my own sisters would do something like that to me. When my sister returned, I remember my two older sisters laughing so hard at me because I still had my ruined makeup on. I could hear their laughter as they made fun of me, knowing that they had fooled me. Perhaps, to them, it was just a joke. But to me, it was a painful memory that would stay with me for years. And this was only one of many experiences.

Growing up, there were so many times when I felt left out, rejected, and ashamed. I wondered what was wrong with me. Why did I feel so unwanted by the very people I longed to be loved by? Why did I repeatedly find myself feeling excluded by my own older sisters? I carried those wounds for many years. Sometimes, the deepest wounds are not caused by strangers. They come from the people we love, the people whose acceptance we long for, and the people we hope will make us feel that we belong. Can anyone relate?  In the bible Joseph’s brothers hated him due to severe parental favoritism by their father Jacob. Later in Genesis 37, Joseph’s brothers threw him into an empty pit (Cistern) and later sold him into slavery for 20 pieces of silver. Later, Genesis 50:19 “But Joseph said to them, “Don’t be afraid. Am I in the place of God? You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is not being done, the saving of many lives. I will provide for you and your children.” And he reassured them and spoke kindly to them.” As I look back at that thirteen-year-old girl, I wish I could reach out to her, hold her in my arms, and tell her that she was worthy of love. I wish I could tell her that being left behind did not mean she was unlovable. But there is something else I have had to learn on my journey with God: I have to forgive. And if I am honest, forgiveness has not always been easy.  How do you forgive the people who wounded you repeatedly? How do you let go of the pain when the memories are still there? How do you move forward when a part of your heart still remembers what it felt like to be rejected? How do you forgive when some people don’t have Jesus? How do you forgive people who still hurt you? 

I have learned that forgiveness does not mean pretending that the hurt never happened. It does not mean calling something harmless when it causes you pain. And it does not mean that you must allow someone to continue hurting you. Forgiveness means bringing the pain before God and allowing Him to work in the places of our hearts that still ache. I may not be able to change what happened to that little girl, but I can ask God to heal the woman who still remembers.

I can tell the truth about my pain without allowing bitterness to become my home. I can acknowledge what happened without allowing those memories to define my worth. And even when healing takes time, I can continue asking God to help me forgive. Because the truth is, I can forgive someone and still need God to heal the wound they left behind. Today, I am learning to give those wounds to God, one memory at a time. I was the reason my sister heard: “Jesus save me” when no one else could. The first bible gift was for my sister. My first preaching was for my sisters.   Unfortunately, getting hurt, betrayed and disrespect seems at times to be part of my journey. There are times that it feels like the wound was re-open, this time deep! There is a particular kind of pain that comes from being wounded by someone who was never supposed to hurt you. It is one thing to be hurt by an enemy. You expect opposition from someone who does not love you. You expect betrayal from someone who has never been trustworthy. But what happens when the wound comes from someone you trusted? Someone who sat at your table, shared your laughter, knew your struggles, heard your prayers, and had access to the most vulnerable places of your heart?  What happens when the person who knew where you were hurting becomes the very person who hurts you? This is my everyday journey. Everyday, I have to forgive! I really have been tested! I admit, I do not like this test because it really hurts so much. “God is close to those who are hurting and saves those who are crushed in spirit”. (Psalm 34:18)

David understood the pain of betrayal. In Psalm 41:9, he speaks of a familiar friend, someone who ate his bread, someone close enough to be true.   The wound: Being hurt repeatedly by the people you grew up with and perhaps expected to love and protect you. There is a particular wound that comes from someone you trusted. I have not only been hurt from my sister’s but by ministers, leaders in power. 

After being deeply hurt, My question to God: “I’ve forgiven, but I'm still angry about it! Why am I still feeling this way after forgiving him?” This question is one many of us carry, if we’re honest. If forgiveness is the solution to being hurt, why are we still angry after forgiving? I believe it’s because forgiveness and healing are not the same thing. As a nurse I have been hurt by colleagues and team leaders in power. Imagine you’re riding your bike, and someone veers into the lane and breaks your leg. Even if you forgive them, you still have a broken leg. Left untreated, it gets infected, eventually costing you the limb. Many of us are limping through life with the emotional equivalent of a broken, infected, amputated heart. So how do you heal the wound that remains after the offense?  What do you do when the offender isn’t sorry? This is very tough! As you read this blog. I hope that you can take the time to fast and pray. Because it is through fasting and praying that we forgive. We can not do this, but God can heal you. Just like David prayed out his pain raw, unfiltered, honest asking God to bring his enemy to justice ; so I have. “LORD, you have seen this; do not be silent. Do not be far from me, Lord” (Psalm 35:22).

Let’s pray! 🙏

God, I need you. We need you. God, we ask for forgiveness. What they did to me was wrong, and I ask you to repay them according to your word. I trust your justice. Help me understand that your plan is redirection. Father, Abba awake and rise to my defense! Please contend for everyone reading this blog! Everyone who has been hurt inside or out of the fathers house. Redirect our paths. Guide us! We need your help. Father, You know the wounds I have carried for years. You know the memories I rarely speak about and the tears I have cried in silence. Help me forgive those who have hurt me, even when the pain is difficult to release. Heal the places in my heart that still feel rejected, forgotten, and unloved. Remind me that my worth does not depend on how others have treated me. Teach me to forgive without denying my pain, and lead me toward the healing only You can bring. In Jesus’ name, Amen. 

“I Don't Want to Grow Up”

Scripture: “When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put the ways of childhood behind me.”

~1 Corinthians 13:11🦋

There are moments in life when I don't want to grow up. Not because I don't want to be a responsible woman. Not because I don't want to be strong. But because sometimes life becomes so hard that I wish I could be a little girl again where Mommy and Daddy could fix everything.

When I was a child, I didn't carry the weight of difficult decisions. I didn't have to figure out what to do when things went wrong. When something scared me, I ran to my parents. But then we grow up. Suddenly, people are looking to us for answers. As a nurse, I have experienced moments when things can become scary. There are times when you are standing there waiting for the doctor, and you are it. The patient is looking at you. The family is looking at you. Everyone is waiting for you to know what to do.

Sometimes, even though you appear calm on the outside, inside you are thinking, “God, please help me. I'm scared too.” There are moments when life feels exactly like that. Last week I was being faced with all the odds against me. “ I started crying, I was complaining to my husband”. “I am tired”. “I don’t want to grow up”. “At times I wish I was just a little girl without any responsibilities”. What do you do when you are it?  As a little girl “Tag” is a playground game involving one or more players chasing other players in an attempt to “tag” and tag chase the kids until someone is “it”.  My husband sat there to listen until he decided to sing to me the “Toys r us “ song; “ I don’t want to grow up, I want to be a toy’s r us kid”. Sounds Funny? Yes, but at that moment I was hurting. I was calling on God for a rescue. 

You have to make difficult decisions. You have responsibilities. People depend on you. You have to keep moving even when you are mentally exhausted and physically tired. And sometimes you wonder: “How am I supposed to be a victorious woman when I don't even feel strong?” Maybe you've asked yourself that question too. How do I keep going when I'm tired? How do I make the right decision when I don't know what to do? How do I remain strong when I feel like falling apart? How do I become the woman God has called me to be when sometimes I just want to be someone's little girl again?

Then God reminds me of something beautiful: I may have grown up, but I have never outgrown my Father. I am still His daughter. The difference is that my earthly parents cannot always fix everything anymore. There are problems they cannot solve and burdens they cannot carry for me. But my Heavenly Father can meet me in every situation. When I am afraid, He is there. When I am exhausted, he is there. When I don't know what decision to make, He is there. When I feel like everyone is depending on me, I can depend on Him.

Growing up doesn't mean that I have to become so strong that I no longer need help. Growing up in Christ means learning where to run when I don't have the answers. The world may see a nurse. The world may see a woman. The world may see someone who is capable, responsible, and strong. But God sees His daughter. And daughters are allowed to come home. Sometimes I don't need another strategy. Sometimes I don't need another answer. Sometimes I just need to sit in my Father's presence and say, “Abba, I don't know what to do. I'm tired. I'm scared. Please help me.” And He does. Maybe that is what victorious womanhood really looks like. Not a woman who never gets scared. Not a woman who always knows what to do. Not a woman who never cries. But a woman who, even in the middle of fear, remembers whose daughter she is. I don't want to grow up. And maybe that's okay. Because I can grow in wisdom, responsibility, strength, and faith and still remain childlike enough to reach for my Father's hand. I am growing up, but I  am not growing away from God. I am His daughter. And He is still my Father.

Prayer: 🙏

Father, sometimes I don't want to be strong anymore. Sometimes life feels overwhelming, and I wish I could go back to being a little girl when Mommy and Daddy could make everything better. There are moments when I am afraid, tired, and unsure of what to do. Remind me that I don't have to carry everything by myself. Help me remember that I am still Your daughter. When I don't have the answers, give me wisdom. When I am afraid, give me courage. When I am exhausted, give me rest. And when I feel like I have to be strong for everyone else, remind me that I can always be weak in Your presence. Thank You for being the Father I can always run to. Amen.

Reflection: 💥Where in your life are you trying to be strong when God is simply asking you to trust Him? What would change if, instead of asking, “How am I going to handle this?” you asked, “Father, how are you going to carry me through this?” You may have grown up, but you will never outgrow your need for your Father. “Growing up has taught me that people leave. That prayers are sometimes answered differently than I expected. That some wounds take longer to heal. That being strong can become exhausting. And that sometimes the person everyone depends on simply wants someone to say, “You don't have to carry this alone.”

Shatter every Invisible Roadblock!

 “Through this process the priest will purify you from your unintentional sin, making you right with the Lord, and you will be forgiven.”

~Leviticus 5:18

We do not like “Rules”. Unfortunately, no one likes them, but we must follow them. An organization has policies and procedures. Churches constitutions and bylaws. Everybody has boundaries that others must comply with or be subject to the repercussions. How many times have we wanted to cut family and friends off because they hurt us? How many times have we vowed never to speak to someone again because they betrayed our trust? How many times have we given up on people? We can be so quick to push people away and banish them from our lives, but luckily that's not God's way. Don’t be so quick to give up on people, because by grace God didn't give up on us. 

I know what it is like to work in such a big recognized company and see that those who make the rules are the first to break the rules. I have also seen that the rules do not apply to everyone. In the book of  Leviticus, after the children of Israel had been released from Pharaoh, God knowing his people, gave Moses a set of rules on how to make atonement when they sin. This covers the Israelites' sin so they could be redeemed and forgiven. The good news is that God gave his only son as a sacrifice for our wrong doing, because he loves us and does not want us to perish but have eternal life. 

In Butterfly by Grace Mommy and daughter blog we want you to bring down the walls. Let’s bring down the walls around your heart and life, let’s remember who is king. Perhaps, there are obstacles that are not allowing our prayers to be reached! Today, we will see the breakthrough! We will be free. Prayers are hindered when unconfessed sin, broken relationships, or wrong motives disrupt a person’s spiritual communication with God. Things like; Unforgiveness and bitterness. Let's pray. Hindering spirits work to steal, kill and destroy. Repeat this prayer with me!

Prayer! 

Father in the name of Jesus, today we repent. I ask you father God and merciful God to please forgive our sins. We recognize that we have sin against you. Today we want to be free. I bind every hindering spirit working to stop our progress. We take authority over every hindering spirit working to delay God's plan.  In the name of Jesus, I break the evil narrow of hindrance that is targeting my mind, my health, my economy, my relationships, and my career. I cancel all assignments of every hindering spirit working toward me and my children. Today, I stand on my ground. Today, I am free in the name of Jesus. I cancel any hindering spirit that has paralyzed any prayer warrior. I destroy every wicked weapon spirits have formed against me. I command hindering spirits to lose my breakthrough. All powers responsible for delaying my dreams. I decree the word of God is a lamp to my feet and exposes hindering spirits in my path as I walk on the narrow road. I decree that the hindering spirits standing in front of my open doors face swift destruction. I am free. I thank God for my freedom in the name of Jesus. Father, shatter every invisible roadblock and open up new gates of breakthrough in my life. Give me the strength to stand firm. Direct my paths in Jesus name.  Amen!

Testimony of Faith, Perseverance & Baptism! 💧

 “Train up a child in the way he should go, teaching him to seek God’s wisdom and will for his abilities and talents; even when he is old he will not depart from it.” — Proverbs 22:6 (AMP)

Yesterday, I witnessed something that reminded me once again: Never give up praying for your children.  We raised our children in a Christian home; Yet that doesn't mean that our children are perfect. For whatever reason most people believe that most pastors' children are supposed to be perfect; and “holy”. I have heard many times “Pastors' children are the worst kids”.  I tried my best to give my four kids what I did not have growing up. “You can take your children to church; be raised in the church and yet not know God. This is the reason why you can see people in the church for 30 years; yet not born again. To be a Christian we need to grow and not continue drinking formula milk. We need to mature! We need to read the bible. A 20 year old needs to have intimacy time with God. They need to learn how to pray! They need to learn to seek God on their own; not because parents seek God. 

We raised our son in a Christian home. We taught him the Word of God. We brought him to church. We planted the seeds of faith. We prayed over him. We tried to show him through our lives that Jesus is not simply something we practice on Sunday. Jesus is the foundation of our home. But there was something I understood as a mother: I could teach him about Jesus, but I could not make the decision for him. Salvation cannot be inherited from your parents. Faith cannot simply be borrowed from your mother or father.

There comes a time when our children must personally decide, “Jesus, I choose You.” And at 26 years old, my son made his own decision to be baptized. That is what made this moment so powerful. This wasn't about his parents forcing him. It wasn't about doing something because he grew up in church. This was his decision. As I watched him enter those baptismal waters, I thought about the prayers that had been prayed throughout the years. Some prayers were whispered. Some prayed with tears. Some prayed when everything looked good. And some were prayed when only God knew  what was happening inside a mother's heart. But I kept praying. Because I knew in my heart that my four kids belong to the Lord. My job was just to pray! The battle belongs to the Lord. I understand that maybe you are reading this blog and thinking that I do not understand. But, I can tell you. Yes, I can relate. Maybe, I can not understand your burden as a mother or father. But I understand how embarrassing it is to see our children do things that we did not teach them. Our children at times make decisions that we may or may not agree with. The only thing left to do is pray! Baptism is a public declaration of an inward decision. It says: My old life is buried with Christ.  I belong to Jesus.  I am choosing to walk in the newness of life. Romans 6:4 reminds us that through baptism we identify with Christ's death and resurrection so that “we also should walk in the newness of life.” Watching my son be baptized reminded me that God has His own timing. Parents, we sometimes become discouraged because we planted a seed and expected to see the fruit immediately. But seeds grow underground before we ever see evidence above the soil. You may have taught your child God's Word and wondered, Did they hear me? You may have brought them to church and wondered, Did any of this stay in their heart?  You may have prayed year after   year and wondered, Lord, when? Keep praying. Your responsibility is to plant, water, love, teach, model Christ, and pray. God gives the increase. “I planted, Apollos watered, but God gave the increase.” — 1 Corinthians 3:6 (NKJV).  Mothers and Fathers, Don't Stop Praying There are prayers you may pray today that you will not see answered tomorrow. Some answers take years. Some children have to experience life before remembering what Mom and Daddy taught them. But the Word of God planted in their hearts is powerful. Don't give up because you cannot see what God is doing. Don't confuse God's silence with God's absence. Don't measure the effectiveness of your prayers by how quickly circumstances change. Continue covering your children. Continue speaking God's Word. Continue living Christ before them. And most importantly, give them room to develop their own relationship with Jesus Christ. Our children cannot live forever on their parents' faith. Eventually, they must know God for themselves. And that is what made this baptism so precious to me. At 26, he chose. As his mother, I could pray for him. I could teach him. I could encourage him. But I could not step into those baptismal waters in his place. He had to make that decision himself. And he did. Never Give Up This testimony isn't only about baptism. It's about perseverance. It's about believing God's Word even while you're waiting. It's about a mother's prayers. It's about a father's example. It's about seeds planted in a Christian home. And ultimately, it's about the faithfulness and grace of God. So to the mother praying for her son or daughter today: Keep praying. To the father wondering whether your children are listening: Keep living the example. To the parent whose child has wandered: Keep believing in God. To the family waiting for a breakthrough: Don't give up. You may be looking at a seed today, but God already knows what that seed can become. Yesterday, I didn't simply see my 26-year-old son being baptized. I saw years of prayer. I saw seeds that had been planted. I saw perseverance. I saw God's grace. And I was reminded: A praying mother may become tired, but she doesn't stop praying. A waiting season does not mean God has stopped working.  And what you planted in faith can still produce fruit years later.

Prayer 🙏

Father, thank You for reminding us that Your timing is perfect. Thank You for every seed of Your Word planted in our children. Give mothers and fathers strength when the waiting becomes difficult. Help us never to stop praying, never to stop believing, and never to stop demonstrating Christ in our homes. Lord, our children ultimately belong to You. Draw them into a personal relationship with Jesus not merely because of what their parents believe, but because they have encountered You for themselves. Thank You for the testimony of baptism, for new beginnings, and for the privilege of witnessing our children publicly declare their faith. May they walk in Your Word, recognize Your voice, remain faithful when the world pulls in another direction, and fulfill every purpose You have placed upon their lives. And to every parent still waiting: strengthen their faith. Remind them that the story is not finished. Help them keep praying, keep planting, and keep believing. In Jesus' mighty name, Amen. 💛